Meet Oliver Hoffsteader: Bird Linguist

**CHICAGO** - In a move that has left ornithologists scratching their heads and local pigeons increasingly sassy, self-proclaimed Level 7 Bird Trainer and Communicator Oliver Hoffsteader has announced his latest service – teaching humans to speak "Bird." While most of us consider pigeons as mere statues' poop artists, Hoffsteader has spent years training these feathered city-dwellers to execute small tricks like stealing hot dogs from unsuspecting park-goers and spelling out simple words with strategically deposited bird droppings. For a mere $80/month, the Bird Whisperer now wants to share his mystical avian communication skills with the public. "Don't you want to negotiate crumb privileges with a pigeon in the park, or finally tell that annoying backyard crow what's on your mind?" said Hoffsteader at his press event, while a parakeet nervously nibbled on his earlobe. However, it's not all squawks and chirps. According to Hoffsteader, each level of his Bird Communication course unlocks a new bird language. Starting with Pigeon Pidgin at level one, Hoffsteader assures that by level five, you'll be fluently cursing in Crow. And if you're committed enough to reach level seven? "Well, let's just say the hawks will start seeing you as an equal," Hoffsteader declared, sporting an uncanny falcon-like stare. Critics have argued that Hoffsteader's bird training services are, at best, quackery. "My grandma has been yelling at sparrows to stop eating her tomatoes for years. She's a level ten by Hoffsteader's standards," said local ornithologist, Dr. Anne Wingfield. Hoffsteader, unperturbed, replied, "Her technique is all wrong. She needs to add more 'cheep' sounds to her vocabulary." Regardless of the skeptics, enrollments in Hoffsteader's bird language course are taking off, with many humans keen to chirp their hearts out. As one early student raved, "Just yesterday, I successfully told a pigeon to fly away. Or at least, I think that's what I said. It might've been an invitation for dinner. Still working out the kinks." Whether you believe Hoffsteader is for the birds or a pioneering bridge between humans and our feathered friends, one thing's certain - pigeon chats are about to become Chicago's latest fad. "Beak" you later, folks.